Spencer Announces Tender Offer for Bear Sterns at $11 per share

I think we can all agree that JP Morgan is getting Bear Sterns for far too cheap. Yes, they quintupled their offer from $2 to $10 per share last week, but I still think it's worth more. So today, I'm announcing an $11 all-cash offer for Bear Sterns, and I'm taking contributions from babies worldwide to join together and form the first ever baby bank.

My first move will be to rename the bank Teddy Bear Sterns. Doesn't that sound like a friendlier, more family-oriented bank? Really, what trust-fund baby wouldn't do his or her options trading or M&A advisory at a place called Teddy Bear Sterns?

What makes me qualified to buy and run a venerated investment bank as the CEO (Chief Excretion Officer - remember, everthing goes back to poop)? Well I can think of three reasons.

1. I have figured out that my hand is connected to my body, and that I can, in fact, control its movement. You may have seen a picture in a previous blog post that showed me staring at my fist. Since then, I've been sticking the whole thing in my mouth to soothe myself and I've been taking pretty accurate swings at a hanging elephant on my playmat (but let's be real - I know elephants are too heavy to hang from things, so it's probably not a real elephant). This advanced level of consciousness is pretty impressive, especially considering that I'm not even sure our President currently has it.

2. Over the last week, I have taught myself how to turn over. Seriously! I can turn from my tummy to my back. My dad finally caught it on camera after about 10 times when I did it while he wasn't looking. The first one is of me looking cute during some tummy time, and the second one is me flipping over - my dad barely caught it!





3. Nobody can blame me for this whole mortgage mess. I sure as hellfire wasn't even alive when all the market craziness began, and I sure as hellfire won't be using the phrase "sure as hellfire" ever again.

So for you babies out there, sign over your US Savings Bonds to me and let's go buy us a bank! "Teddy Bear Sterns: The Cuddly Cutthroats."


Love,
Spencer